The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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