if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wish I could punch you in the face.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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