$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
