A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
