so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
