i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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