You don't have asthma, your pregnant
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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