Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
