This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
