you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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