ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I wish there were birth control emojis
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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