I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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