can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
