So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
