Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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