Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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