We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Semen is not good for contacts.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize