Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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