come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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