my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
