I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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