im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
