in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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