walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize