If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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