I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
