like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
