You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
