Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize