My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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