You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
