Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
