Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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