I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
