if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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