I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
