mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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