Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
