my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
