I must be too annoying 4 u.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
