I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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