Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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