Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
