the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
