I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
