Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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