Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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