Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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