I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I AM VODKA MAN
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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