Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
