My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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