He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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