I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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