Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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