I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
