meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
