The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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