remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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