i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
is wine microwaveable?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
